feeling low, down. seems like so unwanted, just aplaything and object to show off, to be picked up again when bored. and to throw away when buzy. Too much thinking is bad for the mind. solitude is where i hide, too long i have too been too far apart from it, till i feel the fear of the unfamiliar feeling, just like meeting a long lost fren, the awkard period of uneasness and over politeness. i need to embace it and court it, to sink deep into it and cloak myself with it. simple sounding goals slip far and go away. need to mesh my feelings into focus of my goals. time is never on my side but aways running ahead teasing me, cheering or jeering me when i rise and fall. a seductive succubuss that is just ahead of me not matter how fast i run or when i stay still. A summoned image on my mind shielding me and covering my thoughts and fears. a focus of sorts, a totem to scare off my fears a self illusion of powerful fearless me, a me when i am more animalistic more reflex then thought, reckless to the point of self destruction. despair is just another of the thousands of black hooks on my soul, my constant battle to cut those lines on the hooks. swords of flame and light, dragons soaring in the wind dashing through all obstacles and shattering all doors, no one can withstand if the focus is there. The Golden Buhhda sitting cross legging with both palms on the inner curvw of the thighs, peaceful and serene yet ever looking downwards. Strength comes from within, mental , physical. strength of char. strength of spirit. It's good to be strong and good to be weak. everything else is just emotions. focus the spirit within gather and harness it never let it go but forget for a moment and its gone. like living in another plane of existance. a part of me that goes throught the mudane daily life while another stays in the recess of my mind. Alone is my best friend and Alone i have to keep by my side.