monday

spend 1/2 the day wacking my brains to solve a problem, back in office now, suddenly i felt so down so low, so alone. it's no longer my on/off relationship with her, rather maybe a delayed '10 year old' coming of age, things i should have consider, thought about, wondered when in my teens. my lack of ability to socialise, cannot talk to strangers or just being a friendly person, i realise all through my life i have been very lucky to have wonderful friends who unconditionally accepts me into their circle of friends irregardless of all the social blunders i've made and lending me their ears for me to burn when i go down and out.

i realise that i've been very unfriendly or rather 'jian wang' i dun bother to ask my old friends out, i never once look up all those friends in poly then pull me up and trained me up ( or tried to), people who tried to nuture me and see through me. Friends in army.

My style of friendship is simple (maybe brutal on the hindside), If have current common interest = more interaction else really forget or if friend need help i would try my best , i get so caught up in which ever stage of life i am , and i walk through life feeling alone for most of the time, like a ship moving through the ocean, occasionally hailing other ships but most of the time just sailing past everyone in the dark.

i feel different from my parents, their dream, values and concept, i wonder how did i ever grow up and yet never pick up thier habits and values.

they spoil me ? dunno maybe not in the material sense, i never had any real request to them that they refused. infact i hardly asked much from them , i dun drink, smoke or club. i started working like in poly thru army for past 10-14 years and most of the time i ask them for cash to eat? transport. oh yeah, my studies recently and some 3k business investment 2 years ago, all the countless medical bills by her medisave..

I am different, i dun like to bargain, i believe in paying a fair value for what i want or else dun get it at all. my parents are good are getting every little bit for they dollars, eg getting big discount if food at resturant is undercook etc, buying a table with chairs and ask for everything else thrown in, when deliver goods are slightly different from order refused to pay, and manage use the set of furniture for 1 year before paying at 75% of original price and getting a NEW set, buying curtains and demanding extra cloth to be return when charged by length of cloth.

Maybe i just dunno how to save on pennies and waste.

now i am supposly paying them back :) but i find that at the end of the month i always end up borrowing from them, let's see.. feb pre hospital checkups + 2 hospitalisation (self paid) mar hospitalised (- 10 days pay) apr broke due to last month 1/2 pay, may GENTING highland trip (about 100,)

forecast july begining DIVING

i always wonder where my money goes.. and when i stop to think , it's FOOD! and 2nd taxi third movies (about 3-4 times monthly). gotta cut down somehow.

i feel as if i am always giving to her in terms of attention and companionship , i try always to look after her needs, but Who's going to look after mine? i dun feel like grown up, someone told me stop living in self denial, but to them thats denial, to me is to accept things that i cannot change.

i want to stay simple, see and not judge, live in serenity.