feeling low, down. seems like so unwanted, just aplaything and object to show off, to be picked up again when bored. and to throw away when buzy. Too much thinking is bad for the mind. solitude is where i hide, too long i have too been too far apart from it, till i feel the fear of the unfamiliar feeling, just like meeting a long lost fren, the awkard period of uneasness and over politeness. i need to embace it and court it, to sink deep into it and cloak myself with it. simple sounding goals slip far and go away. need to mesh my feelings into focus of my goals. time is never on my side but aways running ahead teasing me, cheering or jeering me when i rise and fall. a seductive succubuss that is just ahead of me not matter how fast i run or when i stay still. A summoned image on my mind shielding me and covering my thoughts and fears. a focus of sorts, a totem to scare off my fears a self illusion of powerful fearless me, a me when i am more animalistic more reflex then thought, reckless to the point of self destruction. despair is just another of the thousands of black hooks on my soul, my constant battle to cut those lines on the hooks. swords of flame and light, dragons soaring in the wind dashing through all obstacles and shattering all doors, no one can withstand if the focus is there. The Golden Buhhda sitting cross legging with both palms on the inner curvw of the thighs, peaceful and serene yet ever looking downwards. Strength comes from within, mental , physical. strength of char. strength of spirit. It's good to be strong and good to be weak. everything else is just emotions. focus the spirit within gather and harness it never let it go but forget for a moment and its gone. like living in another plane of existance. a part of me that goes throught the mudane daily life while another stays in the recess of my mind. Alone is my best friend and Alone i have to keep by my side.

ever miss a step in ur daily routine? ,wake,pee,bath soap shampoo,brush,shave... one day.. i realise i didn't soap!, i was like erm when no nice nice smell coming from my body.. sighs.. then bath again.. and late for work.
I won 10 yesterday in scoccer betting. ! all thanks to my good friend.
the reflection of myself from the puddle of water on the road that is constantly splatter by raindrops.each drop changing the thoughts and the many different outlets of my being, my friends and different parallel possibilities that may or could have occur with each and everyone of them. The world around me is constanly changing, and somethings i dun even realise that i am adapting to it unknowingly. I balk at change, i don't want to be so aware, so consious of my social response to other human beings. i want be innocent and not delibrate so much on what to do when with other people.
i choose to when to act or to play thus nothing will develop unless i let it be .

plannning is good lor, but i lack discipline to stick to any type of plan unless short term.
another week gone... Boss not in town,
Learn something new today.. i would never ever type in anyform of impt password unless at home, or at office where i am the network admin, i found out it is easy to tap ppl password, spoof some websites like hotmail and redirect to ur own comp with key logger..
or password capture script....

weekends boring except for one late night chat, spent sunday at house watching vcd and playing SWG , going swimming now..

thoughts on mind.
1) men my age should be focusing on money and career, but i seem to be more interested in computer games and other ways to spend my time. got no health , no money , no talent.end up one boring person.

2) becaus of 1 , i dunno what stance to take in my relationship. i just want someone who is like me, with low expectations in life, with easy communications.

3) i want get wild, change and be a different person. but i am just me.. boring to the extreme..

4) i think too much , need to shut up my brain and go swimming.

5) should i let her go? should i be even thinkning about her?

Spend the night all alone in big empty house, going to stay again tml night, watch tv. zzz play game.

Wed wakeup at 12 met fren for lunch. She SMS me while i was eating , saying want to come at 4, i told her might as well 5 lor n i going for dinner at 8, then she blew up .. say what come down my place only 2 hrs then go home , she even prepared to bring mangos for me , but now would rather feed the cats. a bit drastic , i think she is not feeling well lor..