Thursday 6 Jan,

After work, met up with Lee, we had dinner at bugis and went shopping together. She was kind enough to bloster my courage as i met my ex. i was very afraid. i dunno why but i am just scared to meet her. i feel that the more i think about her, the harder it is for me to think.

I have thought it thru,

1) she was the one who cheated on me, dump me , cheated me.
2) Our characters are so far apart and it's almost impossible to be together
3) we have different goals.

4) she sabo'ed me
5) she lied to me
6) she cheated my feelings
7) she used me
8) She use all my love care and concern and never gave it..
9) wasted my time and caused me to fall into depression ( ok lar so i was weak )

well reasons 4-6 is just something that i feel but not true, as for falling into depression, it's just a weakness of mine. I grow stronger day by day.

It's funny how i told myself , i would never fall in love so deeply again till i lose myself in love, yet i still did.
Really like the moth drawn to the fire. as the fire burns , the moth is still thinking "i am cold, i need the fire to heat me up. i am not going to be burn, i took yoga lessons, i can walk on fire." till the moment he lies on the floor with wings and body badly burned..
and it starts to blame the fire. " it's too strong! it overwhelm my yoga teachings!"
and its next thinks how to revenge " I will mediditate and destory you power!"

how easily love slips into hatred and back.

when i see her and passed her stuff, it took all the will power i had not to stare at her like a idiot.

and i know then I don't love her anymore , i stopped loving her when she made me ducked under her webcam in my room so that her american love will not see me. I had to crawl to my bed on my belly. or to crawl to the door to go toilet. in my room , my house.

so what's this crap i am feeling? sore loser syndrome? vengengence? undying hatred?
She is so paranoid about me going to her room. one sunday after she dumped me, i pick up 3 boxes of her junk and took a cab to her place to return her stuff.

once there , she was very defensive and did not allow me into her rented room.

1) she got some guy sleeping inside and dunwant me to see (yes i am paranoid)
2) she got underwear draped around ( but we lived together for 3 years)
3) her room has reached new heights of messiness which suprass anything i seen b4.

The paranoid me says 1, the joker in me says 3, the normal me says 2, the romantic me says all of above.
ok i have determined i am slightly schizo?

SO back to myself again. i dun love her. right?
paranioid- yes i dun love her
joker - yes i dun love her
normal - yes i dun love her
romantic - yes i love her

so 3/4 i don't

i always try to start my posts based on a daily event but it always ends up in a long grandfather story.