This post has be edited after the writer meditated and receive enlightment. I try my best to leave out all the offensive words and thoughts, leaving only my memories behind. all the XXXX you see are not vulgar language but just censored.

BOILING RAGE.

Monday. came to office. receive phone call from her.

Her: hello could u help me reformat my PC pls etc etc.
Me: okie, but u need a orignal windows xp as it is a crime now to install windows I can go to jail maybe you can borrow from your friends or relatives who has the orginal.
Her: so are you are using orginal ?
me : yeah (stupidly, should have seen the next q coming)
Her: so why can't i use your copy.
me: Huh, can't cos it's mine i paid for it ( and it'a already regsitered to me)
Her: NVM I GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

WE ARE NO LONGER A COUPLE. Just FRIENDS means JUST FRIENDS.
Why should i lend my original licensed copy to her? it's troublesome to reactivate the bloody thing over again via phone.

best part. usual SMS after phone call frm her XXXXXXXXXXXXX.

"You are super kiasu and selfish, pls return me my $40 ASAP"

she has the BLOODY AUDACITY to call me SELFISH! called her 91239127481274081 times but she never to pick up.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

-flashback-
Few days back. I owe her money , she ask me to help her get a thumb drive from sim lim sq as she cannot go herself. When i asked her when she wants to come to my house to collect her leftover stuff.
she always say when u buy the thumbdrive lor. SHE WORKS IN LAVENDAR MRT , I WORK IN UBI. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx
we agree to meet at orchard. She has an appointment at 745 pm in orchard. so i told her 630 can ? she say cannot must be 730 as she is working lateXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. so i told her okie, we meet after her appointment. she calls at 9++ says she is done but she has to take her dinner so ask me to wait again. but i told her i was going home already. XXXXXXXXXX so i passed her stuff to her. (this is from a few post back)

TODAY THIS XXXXX SMS!

She is the only person in the world can BOIL MY BLOOD . I called her yesterday ,she never return the call. this morning call for help. I did not even refuse her! i just ask her to get her own copy of windows and I GET XXXX FOR THIS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

WTF ..

im very very angry now. my mood has been totally thrashed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
i am not her floor rug to be stepped on by her .

SheXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

I would gladly help anyone i know including her friends , i dun mind ppl calling me and asking me for help. I cannot stand her who insults me after using me.

I never was and never am selfish.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

GG and total 0wnz by uber kid.

Sat 8 jan

slept the whole day. went to bas place at night to play Xmen legends and we completed the game! :) no more combos! lol

went to 126 for supper. The place sucks! the salad prawn roll has be reduced by 2/3 . the chee chong fan has been shorten by 1/2. the oyster sauce is changed to some sweet sauce.
the chysanthem tea is too sweet. the siew mah is just meatballs wrapped in wanton skin.

This place used to serve good dim sum. but after this i would never ever go there again. i rather eat the $7 nasi lemak at T1.

7th Jan Friday

Had dinner with my parents at sushi the. Till now in my whole life , my mom always pays during family dinner, I wonder if I would offend her if I tried to pay. But then again with 1/2 of my salary going to her and 100% of the ERS to her, she should pay right? :P

S called me out for movie.

phantom of the opera.

I was expecting a musical then a movie and so it was.

The words of songs seems to be etched in my heart.

Deep sadness and profound sense of loneliness and frustration of things that can never be, are brought to my mind.

I hate the girl's action she is so indecisive and naive . She totally reminded me of my Ex. ( don't know why, but it seems to me like almost everything reminds me of her fickle mindedness)

and the haunting song.. " Angel of music ..................."

After the show, I wanted to go somewhere or anywhere but was brought to earth by S , no car, taxi expensive , 90% of Singapore closed already (12am), so I sent her home and I reached home about 1.

Thursday 6 Jan,

After work, met up with Lee, we had dinner at bugis and went shopping together. She was kind enough to bloster my courage as i met my ex. i was very afraid. i dunno why but i am just scared to meet her. i feel that the more i think about her, the harder it is for me to think.

I have thought it thru,

1) she was the one who cheated on me, dump me , cheated me.
2) Our characters are so far apart and it's almost impossible to be together
3) we have different goals.

4) she sabo'ed me
5) she lied to me
6) she cheated my feelings
7) she used me
8) She use all my love care and concern and never gave it..
9) wasted my time and caused me to fall into depression ( ok lar so i was weak )

well reasons 4-6 is just something that i feel but not true, as for falling into depression, it's just a weakness of mine. I grow stronger day by day.

It's funny how i told myself , i would never fall in love so deeply again till i lose myself in love, yet i still did.
Really like the moth drawn to the fire. as the fire burns , the moth is still thinking "i am cold, i need the fire to heat me up. i am not going to be burn, i took yoga lessons, i can walk on fire." till the moment he lies on the floor with wings and body badly burned..
and it starts to blame the fire. " it's too strong! it overwhelm my yoga teachings!"
and its next thinks how to revenge " I will mediditate and destory you power!"

how easily love slips into hatred and back.

when i see her and passed her stuff, it took all the will power i had not to stare at her like a idiot.

and i know then I don't love her anymore , i stopped loving her when she made me ducked under her webcam in my room so that her american love will not see me. I had to crawl to my bed on my belly. or to crawl to the door to go toilet. in my room , my house.

so what's this crap i am feeling? sore loser syndrome? vengengence? undying hatred?
She is so paranoid about me going to her room. one sunday after she dumped me, i pick up 3 boxes of her junk and took a cab to her place to return her stuff.

once there , she was very defensive and did not allow me into her rented room.

1) she got some guy sleeping inside and dunwant me to see (yes i am paranoid)
2) she got underwear draped around ( but we lived together for 3 years)
3) her room has reached new heights of messiness which suprass anything i seen b4.

The paranoid me says 1, the joker in me says 3, the normal me says 2, the romantic me says all of above.
ok i have determined i am slightly schizo?

SO back to myself again. i dun love her. right?
paranioid- yes i dun love her
joker - yes i dun love her
normal - yes i dun love her
romantic - yes i love her

so 3/4 i don't

i always try to start my posts based on a daily event but it always ends up in a long grandfather story.

2 things new came into my life , Everquest 2 and a new friend T. I preorder EQ2 sometime back and it's a very addictive game. Got it in Mid Nov. Made many new friends and many old ones.
I found my poly classmate, a mutual friend from EQ1 but we were on different servers and one friend from pacific net engage games.

Xmen legends on xbox is fun, 4 player, we play overnight at my friends shop one weekday night and turned into a zombie at work the next day!

I met this person T online, rather I was reading the blogs of my 2 online gaming friends and they both had links to her blog. I was hooked on her blog from the 1st time. I tried adding her to my MSN and was successful. I didn't really talk much to her. I think I am just as tongue tied in RL or in MSN. She was at sitex and I walk around there trying to find her. In the end I saw somemore I thought was her but it wasn;t :P

12 dec
Met up with my everquest guildmates :) had dinner at marche, was fun meeting new ppl

15 Dec
I met up with my old sec school friends SK+Hazel, TAW+LH and LLT for dinner at olion dome wheelock. the food tastes nice but the portion was too small. we dine and chatted and had coffee below after that .

16 dec
I went to rockclimbing at Keppel towers and otw I thought I saw T!! I was excited and happy. her blog only have fotos with twirls covering mouth. so I looked into her eyes I thought it was her ( I sound mad right? just any how hantam see one ger on street as it's her) BUT she said she saw me! OMG . (she saw my photo thru the MSN profile thingy b4) It was so .. so (erm my english not very good , my chinese also not very good). you yuan. after chatting on msn she said the ger I saw her wasn't her but she saw me. :P

17th dec
Had dinner w/ Mom and Dad at Tang Jia Yuan? the food was very nice, I saw the chef on TV b4 with this dish call Da4 Peng2 Cai4, it had pork, chicken, seafood, Sharkfin and abalone! We order other dishes as well all the food there is really really delicious! one thing to note, there is 3 version of bird next , 2 pure and 1 with egg pudding, the one with egg pudding is the best and cheapest! followed by Haagen Diaz ice cream at Esplande, we had this 2 for 1 offer and I order a chocolate fondue, fondue is some sort of ang mo steamboat or what the malaysians call loklok :P in this case it is comes with a melted choclate bowl , 3 metal stay stick, a bowl of fruits and a bowl of deep frozen icecream cubes and a bowl of chopped nuts. It's a fun to eat , and I always wanted to make my own strawberry dipped chocolate.

Met up with S after that and we went suntec midnight sales , i bought a giodarno jacket while she bought espirt shirt. and we had supper at orchard cineleisure.


18th dec

Late lunch at Ding Tai Fung with my supper kaki. The dumping was very light , we had like 24 dumplings, pork chop , noodles and fried rice. The dumpling is very light and not filling , and no matter what favor we order the dumpling soup and pork meat base will always be the same just a piece of prawn or scallop on top.

the it was on to my BD celebrations with the Days gang. it was at Day's house and there was mahjong and we brought enuff laptops to play 3 on 3 broodwar. Rare guest DKNYgal turned up but i pity her as we were all caught up with our own activites and sort of neglected her. we gambled till 5am in the morning and staggered home..

23th Dec
watched Kung Fu at GV grand. a small corner of my heart sort of broke hee,
flashback to 5 years ago, i was 23, a camp instructor for Crescent Girls school and took over 11, 15 year old gers from another instructor who failed to click with them. There was this girl who caught my eye her name was C and she stayed in a corner of my heart from then on. I cajoled and bribe the gers in my grp to behave with promise of a coke but i could not find a coke anywhere then, so i owe
those ppl a can of coke for all these years. we lost touch thru the years and it was her who found me at sim lim sq where i was working then. from there we kept in touch thru MSN. i have tried asking her out over the years but always failed, she was always single and buzy, or so i thought. I saw her standing there ,leaning back into the arms of a cute looking guy. I did not recognise her at 1st, i just saw this pretty lass with her lad waiting for the movie to start. As usual she recognise me , made eye contact and smiled. I wave back and was still wondering who it was. till it hit me. i was in the cinema and i msged her asking where she was etc etc. i ran out and bought a large coke and gave it to her, closing another chapter of my life story in that night.

24th Dec
Christmas Eve
I went to SK place for dinner, his friend sha cooks very well, i love the roasted lamb. :P it was on to O bar and i invite a poly mate whom i haven't met for past 5 years to join us.

25th dec
met up with Eleg at bugis and watch stephen chow's Kung fu again, I love his show and thanks to eleg for the treat :)


31st Dec
had coffee/supper with TAW, we sat and chatted for a very long time , swap stories of our lifes for past few years and we walked from greatworld city to her house in tiong bahru. I pass the new year in a taxi to parklane.

1-3 Jan 2005
These days fly by in a blur. I met up with eq2 buddies again , watch meet the fockers and spend most of the time at home with eq2. new year resolution? blog more often!